If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize