Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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