I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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