My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
