There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
