I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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