I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize
