Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
