i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
