he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
