The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
