I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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