yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
