I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
