someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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