I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize