this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
