So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
