i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
