Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
So many bounce houses so little time
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
