Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Randomize
