Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
