my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
