So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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