I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
