I cut my penus on the lid.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
