one two three fourrrrnication!
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
