Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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