I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
