Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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