I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
