onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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