Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
