Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Randomize
