I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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