The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize