I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
