it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I can't trust your balls anymore.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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