I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
