Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
