That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
