i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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