Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
