OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
