Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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