Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
