I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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