I wish I could punch you in the face.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
