the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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