i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
