I was born with a shot glass in my hand
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
