Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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