He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
So much rum. So many feels.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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