Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize