ya dads aren't the best wingmen
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
