I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Moan for me like Helen Keller
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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