Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
