gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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