I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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