Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
