I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
