what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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