I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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