Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
