Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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