You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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