Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
